Intimacy is important in any relationship; it’s also something that requires people to be vulnerable with one another and “to allow ourselves to be seen and to see openly in return” (Gottman). Intimacy can show itself in many different ways; while the most commonly thought of when thinking of and discussing intimacy is physical intimacy, there is also emotional intimacy, intellectual, spiritual, etc. Some forms of intimacy will obviously be more important to some couples than others and vice versa. The initial spark may come naturally at first within the relationship, but maintaining and increasing intimacy requires intentional efforts from all people within the relationship.
Before we dive into a few ways to actively work on increasing the intimacy within your relationship, it can be important to identify what may be causing that lack of or decrease in intimate moments with your partner. Is it something that you individually are struggling with? Is this something both you and your partner have felt and discussed? Is this something you’ve always struggled with when in relationships and want to finally get past that?
Once we ask ourselves those questions, it can be easier to dive into figuring out where this challenge is coming from. Where is this fear of intimacy coming from? Fear can come from a lot of places and be compounded by a lot of different factors. You may fear that if you open yourself up to others, it will end up with you getting hurt by them. Although, in order to be intimate with someone, it does require a certain level of trust and vulnerability. Being vulnerable is scary, and by the definition of vulnerable, “the act of loving someone and allowing them to love you may be the ultimate risk” (Gottman). It’s scary putting yourself out there and truly, love is uncertain and scary because there are no guarantees. Anything could happen at any given moment, but ask yourself this: are you freezing out the opportunity to love as you truly deserve because you are afraid of sharing your deepest thoughts, desires, and feelings? Recognize that it takes two people within the relationship to create an atmosphere of intimacy and vulnerability, and identify your part so that you can move past it in order to create the intimate relationship you truly deserve and want.
Questions to ask yourself if you are wondering if a fear of intimacy is playing a role in your relationship:
Do I bring my best self to the interactions with my partner or do I hold part of myself back?
Does my fear of loss, abandonment, and rejection cloud my perspective and prevent me from truly sharing my authentic self?
Do I feel comfortable asking for what I need from my partner and allow myself to be vulnerable, or do I tend to shut down and avoid vulnerable moments?
Now that we start to identify where that lack of and potential fear of intimacy is coming from, we can start to work on cultivating and enhancing a more intimate atmosphere within your relationship.
As mentioned in many of my blogs regarding relationships, communication typically always plays a key role, especially when it comes to intimacy. Effective communication can be the cornerstone of any intimate relationship. Take the time to truly listen to your partner, and focus on expressing your thoughts and feelings openly with one another. Create a safe space where you both feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts, desires, and concerns when necessary. Regular, intentional, and honest communication helps to build trust and strengthen the emotional bond between partners.
It can be easy to get lost in our fast-paced lives, the everyday responsibilities and routines that we get accustomed to can make us forget to be intentional about spending quality time with one another. It’s crucial, especially when we are looking at it in regards to the intimate side of the relationship. Schedule date nights, weekend getaways, or even simple activities like cooking together. Quality time allows you to reconnect, create shared memories, and deepen your understanding of each other.
When we are unable to have the full amount of quality time that we would like with one another, physical affection can be a powerful way to express love and continue to build intimacy. Hold hands with one another, touch each other when you are around each other or walking by one another, give each other a hug or kiss every time you greet or leave each other to help create daily intimate moments that can further strengthen that relationship.
Being emotionally available means being present and responsive to your partner’s needs. Show empathy, support, and understanding, especially during challenging times. Even if you are not experiencing or feeling something in the same way they are, validate how they are feeling. By being attuned to each other’s emotions, you create a foundation of emotional intimacy, which can be essential for a thriving relationship.
Building a future together creates a sense of unity and purpose. Discuss and set common goals, whether they are related to family, career, personal growth, etc. Working towards shared goals and dreams can foster a feeling of partnership and commitment, enhancing the overall intimacy within your relationship.
Intimacy thrives on variety and spontaneity. It’s important to keep things exciting. Experiment with new activities, both in and out of the bedroom. Keep the spark alive by trying new things together, whether it’s a hobby, an adventure, or a surprise gesture. Embracing some change and novelty injects excitement into the relationship and keeps the connection fresh.
Nurturing and fostering intimacy is an ongoing process that requires constant attention, effort, and commitment from both partners. Remember that every relationship and connection is unique, so explore what works best for you and your partner as you continue to embark on this journey of cultivating intimacy together.
Written By,
Emily Blair, ALMFT