Okay, I’ll start by saying that not comparing ourselves to others is much easier said than done! But, it’s necessary! In a world full of pressures to show status or success everywhere you turn, it can be easy to compare how you stack up to others. Comparison can happen in many ways: comparing your life to a social media post, comparing how we experience a situation to how others experience it, or comparing our abilities to those of others. Let’s talk about common situations where comparison shows up, why it might not serve you, and how to challenge it!
Social Media
The most obvious one, I know! But it’s an important one! And one that probably affects all of us more than we wish it would. Social media is a dangerous comparison trap because it tricks us into believing that the highlights in everyone else’s posts are an accurate description of their everyday life. It is so easy to forget that all of those amazing posts depicting trips, weddings, and events with flawless filters and jealousy inducing captions only tell part of the story. When we start to compare ourselves to social media posts, we open a dangerous door. We may convince ourselves that we aren’t accomplishing enough in our own lives or that we will never be good or smart enough to do certain things. I’m guessing I don’t need to explain why thinking badly about ourselves isn’t great for us so let’s talk about how to break this trap! With social media especially, it is important to focus on the fact that we don’t have all the information. We don’t have an inside look into the brains and experiences of the people whose posts we are seeing like we do into our own brains. So, we end up comparing our own internal experiences (which include the chaos and stress and the not-so-ideal things) to the best of the best moments from the posts we see. That’s a very unfair comparison. Maybe that person is going through a divorce nobody knows about or their kid was throwing a tantrum just outside of the camera frame. Things aren’t always as they seem and while we can’t know what’s going on behind the scenes for everyone, it’s probably a relatively safe assumption that everyone has their own difficulties and struggles that we don’t see. Keep that in mind!
Emotional Comparison
Have you ever been at an event where there are a lot of emotions (think: funerals, weddings, etc)? Have you ever felt like your emotional response doesn’t match that of others? I’ve talked with a lot of clients lately about how they worry they either aren’t emotional enough or are too emotional based on how others act in these situations. While it is certainly a possibility that someone might be hiding their feelings or may struggle with emotional regulation, it is also possible that the pressure to be the “right” amount of emotional is a factor. There’s no rule that says you must cry at a funeral or that you have to feel happy at a wedding. We all experience a wide range of emotions during these times and there isn’t anything wrong with that! We are responsible for managing our emotions appropriately, but it is okay to feel any emotion! Comparing how much you’ve cried at a funeral to how much someone else has cried will probably only result in you feeling like you’re doing something wrong. Remembering that everyone experiences emotions and situations differently can go a long way! If you wonder if you’re pushing emotions away or you feel that you struggle with emotional regulation, talk with your therapist about it!
Other’s skills and/or performance
Have you ever looked over at your coworker and thought “wow, they really have it all together. They’re so organized and on top of everything, I wish I could be like that”? Or maybe your child sees a teammate on their soccer team who seems like they can do anything with ease. Maybe you’ve had a similar thought and then felt like you need to get your stuff together and get organized or improve your productivity. It’s easy to generalize the assumptions we make when we see others looking like they have it all together in a particular setting. And while we aren’t wishing for people to struggle, we do often ignore that one person’s strengths are another’s weakness. Sure, that coworker might be fantastic at organizing their time and getting their work done. But, they likely struggle in other areas. If we forget that everyone has struggles, we are likely to start feeling badly about ourselves or we may put too much pressure on ourselves or set goals we can’t achieve in order to try to live up to these standards. Try reminding yourself of your strengths in these moments!
Comparison is a much more complex topic than I could ever articulate in a blog post. But, the one thing I wish to impart with this post is that when we compare we often ignore important information that could help us avoid feeling badly about ourselves. Everything isn’t always as it seems!
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Alyssa Onan, LPC
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