Building Authenticity in a Demanding World

Ally Bremer
Aug 7
5 min read

Do you ever feel like at some point in your life path, you succumbed to an imaginary set of rules you never agreed to? Do you ever feel like you traded a part of your authentic self to meet “societal expectations” delivered by your teachers, parents, and individuals who influenced you since your youth? Do you remember a more free version of yourself that had dreams and aspirations beyond what is “reasonable” under the steel trap that is the status quo? Did you exchange deep desires and heart centered dreams, for lifestyle choices that seemed more agreeable to everyone around you? When socializing and interacting with others, are you concerned about saying the right or wrong thing? Do you sometimes feel like your inner true self has not felt seen, heard, and understood in public contexts? Performing and portraying yourself as a “successful” individual does not have to mean losing yourself in the process, but sometimes losing aspects of yourself is a subtle experience. Losing yourself could be a process that is done little by little throughout development in the face of rejection and feelings of inadequacy. It is perfectly innocent to feel like there were environments where your true self was not acceptable.

If you said yes to any of these questions, you are certainly not alone. We live in a world with invisible expectations that imprison the soul. Many cultures with strict religious values and/or social rules hold a self-sacrifice wound in the collective. Most people born in a demanding society unknowingly participate in what is known as a “Faucian bargaining”, often termed as making a “deal with the devil” in exchange for familial or academic validation, support, knowledge, or power. This deal is often done without one's conscious awareness (especially in early childhood when we are not fully conscious). Siphoning off aspects of our true selves that seem unacceptable hold heavy repercussions. A young, helpless and vulnerable child finds ways to feel connected to their caretakers and peers at all costs. Similarly to elephants who become strong enough to break out of their chains when they are fully grown but do not realize their own potential, children grow to be adults who feel like re-owning unacceptable aspects of themselves could be a matter of life or death.

What is the cost of disconnection from self? One of the most costly aspects of self-sacrifice is a loss of energy and motivation. Living to please the people around us is an energetically unsustainable way of life. This could look like waking up with dread and feeling avoidance towards all responsibilities. Depression and anxiety are common symptoms of lack of true pleasure in life. Substance abuse is a typical coping mechanism of a life that lacks fulfillment. People who live for others build a sense of duty and obligation tying them to jobs they never wanted to do. There is a false experience of not having a choice, enslavement to past decisions that feel irrevocable.

Playing by other people’s rules and regulations is exhausting, requiring tedious calculating and planning for everything- down to social interactions. Social anxiety is often born from not knowing what to say around other people. Individuals who are not connected to their authentic self may have deep and authentic desires, but do not know how to attain those desires. They may mistake their inability to obtain their hearts desires as a problem of unworthiness. Feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy can form deep emotional wounds, and if a person neglects themselves for long enough- the wound deepens and feels like a condition of life. Faulty belief systems feel like curses- like we are not worthy of following our true dreams. If you are connected to your inner sense of self, it is important to honor this authenticity. You are in a position where you can encourage others to feel safe enough to be themselves. Unconditional positive regard and nonjudgemental attitudes towards others are powerful gifts you could share with people who are struggling with low self esteem.

If you feel an internal split between you and your true self- it is never to reconnect. Building self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-love vastly improves the quality of your life. I work with my clients to build this connection to self- as people often develop psychological disorders as a byproduct of inauthentic living. I begin with identifying ways in which the true self surfaces naturally. True laughter is my favorite mechanism of activating the true self. Laughing is done unintentionally- bypassing the conscious mind. Another function of the inner self is curiosity. Not the questions we ask to continue a conversation- but true curiosity is sourced from our true sense of self and our inner child. I always encourage my clients to follow up on their curiosities and to pay attention to questions that reappear in their minds throughout the day. Confusion is authenticity. When it comes to engaging the true self within everyday life, confusion is a doorway to honest cognition and motivated learning. Confusion also is an indication that a person is questioning things- not accepting information without exercising any critical thinking.

Often in relationships people revert to ways of relating to one another which are motivated more to keep the peace rather than truly connect as a result of falling into patterns of complacency. I always encourage my clients to see arguments and sparks of anger as the true self responding to dissatisfaction. Anger itself is a secondary emotion; whether it's concealing disappointment, feelings of betrayal or sadness, I encourage people to listen to their anger and to the anger of others. Although the way people express anger is a different topic altogether- I always try to view anger as an invitation to solve a problem and build a safer and more authentic relationship to oneself and to others. It is not always easy to deal with anger, and sometimes it's scary to stay regulated during confrontation. Regardless I would advise people to always listen and observe anger with curiosity.

Creativity is a function of the inner child and is thus a component of the true self. Imagination and creativity are unable to be scripted. This is why art therapy is such an effective therapeutic tool. We sometimes have conversations in a superficial manner by scripting our answers or by reusing phrases. It is actually pretty difficult to fall on default responses through artwork. Even depicting the same object could result in creative deviations and self development. Paper is a safe space, and art therapy is not about the outcome, but the process. No matter where you are in life, the journey back to the true self is worth your while.