Knowing When to Pause and Take a Break in Conflict

Ally Bremer
Nov 6
4 min read

As I mention in almost all of my blogs regarding relationships, pretty much every couple argues at some point. The healthiest, most loving relationships have moments when communication breaks down, words get sharper, tones rise, and understanding becomes less of a priority. It is in those heated moments that many people try to push through, determined to have it resolved right away. But sometimes, the best thing people can do in that situation is not to keep talking but to actually stop and take a break.

Recognizing when a conversation has crossed that invisible line between productive and harmful is a skill that takes time to build but is an important one. It often starts with noticing what is happening within your body. Maybe your heart is pounding and beating really fast, maybe your jaw is clenched, or maybe you can feel yourself planning your next response instead of actively listening. Maybe that means you’ve stopped hearing your partner altogether and are focused solely on being heard. These are all common things people do in conflict and are typically signs that your nervous system has shifted into fight-or-flight mode. When that happens, meaningful communication is not really 100% possible. Being aware of when that is happening to you individually is something that will help you to recognize when you need to pause and do some self-soothing techniques.

With that being said, taking a break isn’t the same as walking away or giving up. In these moments, we are more trying to “press pause” on the conversation in order to protect the relationship from the damage that can happen when you speak from a place of stress and frustration instead of clarity. A well-timed break can help to create space for both people to decompress, gather their thoughts, and return with a more open mind. Taking a break when things get too heated is not avoidance but more of an act of care.

When you start to realize things are getting too instead and unproductive, it can help to name it in a gentle way. Some of the couples I work with have a code word or phrase they use, like “time-out,” or even say something like, “I want to talk about this, but I need some time to calm down.” That can help let your partner know that the conversation isn’t over but that you both need to pause. A very important part to this is to make sure ahead of time that you both agree on when you will return to the discussion, as taking a break can leave some partners feeling like the conversation is not going to get addressed again or resolved. Whether it’s 15 minutes, an hour, or even until the end of the day, use that time to process your own feelings and reset. The key is to honor that commitment so the pause feels safe and trustworthy rather than like an escape or avoidance.

If saying you need a break feels hard, there are ways to make it easier. As mentioned above, you can use a simple phrase or even a signal with an object that you’ve both agreed on. Some couples write it down or use a hand gesture when words don’t always seem to work, especially in the heat of the moment. The goal is more about protecting both of you from saying something you’ll regret rather than simply just shutting the other person down, and it’s important to keep that in mind if you start to feel like your partner is shutting you down. It can be helpful to add reassurance sometimes by saying that you care about the conversation and recognize the importance of continuing it. Those small gestures of reassurance help keep that connection intact even in the middle of disagreement.

During that break, as briefly mentioned above, focus on coping and soothing yourself rather than replaying the argument over in your head. Use whatever coping skills work for you: whether that be taking a walk, deep breathing, listening to music, or journaling how you’re feeling. Ask yourself what is really underneath your reaction: was it hurt, fear, feeling unseen/unheard? When you can identify the emotion instead of just the anger, that can help you return to the conversation with more understanding of yourself and your needs, which can in turn help you more clearly communicate that with your partner.

When both partners come back after a pause, the goal is that the energy shifts. There’s more room for listening again, for kindness, understanding, and for remembering that you’re both on the same team instead of against one another. The goal isn’t to erase the disagreement and pretend it didn’t happen but to approach it with a more calm and clear mind. Taking a break during conflict might feel uncomfortable at first, so acknowledge that but don’t let it deter you. It can trigger certain feelings, especially if a lot of conversations and conflicts have felt unresolved lately. But over time,couples who learn to pause rather than escalate build more trust and connection. They show each other that they value the relationship more than being “right” in that moment. And it’s truly not about who’s right or wrong but understanding the other's perspective and validating their feelings, even when they’re different from your own. Conflict doesn’t have to mean disconnection. Sometimes the kindest thing you can say in the middle of an argument is simply, “Let’s take a breath.”