Social Dynamics: Navigating Conflict With Peers

Ally Bremer
Nov 13, 2024
4 min read

It’s that wonderful time of the school year where the newness and fun of the school year has worn off and frustrations and annoyance with not-so-great behavior appear. I’ve had a lot of conversations in sessions lately about difficult social dynamics with peers at school. And I’ve talked with parents about every strategy imaginable to support kids through these issues. When I approach these issues, I want to empower kids to build skills on their own and help parents focus on helpful skills to foster independent problem solving. I also want to encourage kids to think critically about situations and learn how to evaluate when compromising might pay off more than digging in. Or when a firm boundary or support from an adult is necessary. These are the things I think about:

Practice setting healthy boundaries

This starts at home! Saying “I don’t like it when you do that” or “that hurts my feelings, please stop” at home or with friends models this for your kids. Make setting boundaries normal and have regular conversations about how to handle different situations. Those conversations should also include discussions about what to do when someone doesn’t respect the boundary you set. It’s easy for kids (and adults) to believe that once you set the boundary, it will be respected. Life experience has probably taught most of us that isn’t the case. So, how do we handle it when others don’t mind our personal space or they make comments about our hairstyle when we’ve asked them not to? Discuss options for handling these situations and help your child find the choice(s) that work best for them.

Help them recognize the size of the problem and learn to compromise

For kids, arguments with friends can be the world’s biggest problems. They don’t have our adult perspective on what other problems are like. Validate that it does feel like a big deal while also helping them put into perspective the size of the problem. Is this something that will still be affecting you tomorrow? Next week? Next month? What is the goal of the situation? Do you want to play with your friend or do you want to play your game? If it’s more important to play with your friend, then maybe it’s a time to compromise and make a plan to play your game next time. Is someone blatantly disrespecting you? Know and understand that isn’t okay and learn ways to directly tell someone to stop.

Let them handle it on their own

Okay, this one comes with a caveat. If the issues exceed the limit of typical, age-appropriate social dynamics (bullying, physical aggression, issues continuing to occur over long periods of time) please intervene! However, if typical, age-appropriate social dynamics are occurring, let your child handle it on their own. Be a support for them as they navigate these situations. Let them know they can always come talk with you about it. Give them space to cry or vent or express their feelings. Support them in considering their options of how to handle it and help them think through the possible outcomes and pick the approach that best suits them. It’s so hard to see your little one struggling, but teaching them how to handle real-life problems from the start sets them up for success as they’re older!

Normalize conflict

Normalize that disagreements and conflict happen. Help your child learn skills to recognize where the line is drawn between normal disagreements and problematic behavior that might make someone reconsider a friendship. Help them learn conflict resolution skills like “I statements” and how to apologize if they’ve made a mistake. When it’s appropriate, share a conflict you’ve had that might be similar. Talk through how you handled it and how you decided your course of action. Normalize that it is very uncomfortable to be in conflict with people but that nothing lasts forever.

Practice challenging assumptions or unhelpful beliefs about intentions

It’s very easy to assume that someone who bothers us or repeatedly violates a boundary is doing it on purpose. And they might be! But, they may not be. Especially if we have’t stated our boundary to that person before. And with kids repeated boundary violations may also be caused by differences in maturity, poor impulse control, or other not-so-mean causes. As adults, we may be able to see these differences with more clarity than our kids can. In some situations, it might be appropriate to help your child put themselves in the other kid’s shoes to understand that they may not be doing it on purpose. While knowing it’s unintentional doesn’t make it okay to upset others, it may make it easier to have patience and engage in problem-solving conversations.

Socializing is one of the most complicated things we humans do. There is a tremendous amount of nuance and skill required. And every situation is different! Helping kids learn to think about these situations and weigh their options for handling them can help prepare them for a lifetime of complicated human interactions!

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