What You Water Grows: Why This Applies to Thoughts, Too

Ally Bremer
Aug 2
6 min read

Okay, we all know that watering our garden helps those plants to grow. But when we “water” our thoughts, they grow too. What I mean is, the thoughts we give attention to grow and the thoughts we disengage from shrink. This is a topic that has come up in a lot of my sessions lately and I think it’s common for a lot of people to recognize patterns of overthinking that don’t serve them. Whether it’s worrying about anything and everything that could happen or what others think about you or solving problems that haven’t happened yet (and they probably won’t), these patterns can really ruin a day. The trouble is that it’s a lot easier said than done to stop these thinking patterns. Let’s talk about some of my favorite strategies to help with this!

It’s a Trap!

The first thing I always encourage clients to remember is that these thought patterns are a trap! Our brains like to trick us into believing that the more we think about something that worries us or stresses us out, the better prepared we will be or the more likely we are to solve the problem. But that might not be totally true. Our brains don’t like uncertainty or having to sit in discomfort. Often times, the things people worry about in these types of situations are things that don’t have solutions- at least not right away. Or, it’s something that is uncertain or causes other uncomfortable emotions that we don’t want to feel- but we might have to! Sometimes, our biggest asset can be recognizing when we find ourselves in thought patterns that don’t serve us. Ask yourself “will continuing to think about this generate a solution?” Or “Am I worried about something out of my control?” If so, does thinking about it give me more control? If the answers to these questions are “no”, perhaps we are in a trap where our brain wants us to think think think until we figure it out- even if we can’t figure it out. If we can recognize this trap, we have crossed off the first step of disengaging from it.

Having a Thought Doesn’t Make it True

One of the ways our brains trick us into making us think more about things is telling us that every thought we have is true and should be believed. Even our brains telling us “you should worry about this” isn’t true all of the time. Being able to evaluate our thoughts and be critical of them can help us decide what we listen to and what we don’t. I can already hear you asking “how do I evaluate my thoughts to know if they’re true or not?” Great question! There are a lot of options- you may have to experiment to find what works for you. And, the options here aren’t nearly all of the options! One of my favorite recommendations is to imagine a friend or loved one came to you with the problem you’re having/thing you’re worried about. Ask yourself what advice you’d give that person. Would you tell them “yep, you definitely should worry all day about this because it’s a huge deal” or would you say something like “I don’t think you need to worry so much about this” or “either way, you’re going to be okay and you can handle it!”. My guess is that you would not tell a friend or loved one to worry or fixate on something as much as you are. So, don’t let yourself get away with it! Another trick I recommend is to think back to times you were worried about this thing or something similar in the past. Did you make it through that okay? Did the worst case scenarios you were worried about happen? Lastly, ask yourself what the best case, the worst case, and the most likely case are. This can help reframe your perspective.

Don’t Answer the Phone!

Now that we’ve evaluated some thoughts and determined whether or not they’re tricks, we need to figure out how to stop engaging with those thoughts! I like to think of thoughts as phone calls. We get to screen our thoughts like we screen our phone calls. We can treat unhelpful and untrue thoughts like we treat those “SPAM LIKELY” calls that come through our phones. IGNORE! We don’t have to pick up the figurative phone in our brains when these thoughts come into our heads. When we see those “spam” thoughts cross our brains, we can ignore them like a phone call and refocus on something else. Identify the things that are likely to hold your attention that you can use as distractions so you can quickly turn to those things once you’ve identified a spam thought. The hardest part of this process is finding things to distract from your thoughts. The more you practice this the easier it gets- but try singing your favorite song in your head, counting backwards from 100, reading a good book or doing a puzzle. There are a ton of options out there. I DO NOT recommend screens! Try to find things that don’t plug you in to use as distractions!

These types of thoughts are really hard to deal with- and this post certainly doesn’t cover all the options so if you’re struggling, talk to your therapist! But remember, the thoughts we water grow and the ones we don’t shrink. Screen your thoughts like your phone calls!

HELP! I don’t think therapy is working for me.

You took the leap to start therapy, you miraculously found a therapist with expertise that meets your needs and you’ve been attending regular sessions. But, it just doesn’t feel like things are changing. What do you do?

Identify what’s not working for you

Research shows that the client/therapist relationship is one of the most important indicators of good outcomes from therapy. There’s so many factors that go into a good therapist/client relationship so identifying what things are and are not working first will go a long way. Do you feel connected to your therapist? Do they understand of your experiences and guide you in ways that work for you? Are they too direct or not direct enough? Do they over-validate and under-teach? Do they over-teach and under-validate? If there are style or personality factors that don’t match for you, consider if there is anything the therapist can do differently that would make the situation work for you. Jot down some notes about these things!

Do some self-reflection

Therapy involves two people (or more if you’re in family/couples/group!), so it’s important to check in with both sides of that relationship. Evaluate your participation in therapy. Have you been practicing skills/strategies your therapist recommended to the best of your ability? Do you often feel resistant to attending sessions or not quite ready to make changes in your life? Are you thinking about therapy topics and conversations outside of your session time each week? Having a strong and trusting relationship with your therapist is important, but so is doing the work- whatever that looks like for your situation. Much like a basketball player doesn’t master free throws without hours of practice, achieving therapy goals doesn’t happen without practice and effort in and out of sessions. It’s totally okay if you’re not ready to make change as fast as you thought you’d be! But reflect on these things so you can also hold yourself accountable!

Talk to your therapist

I can’t stress this one enough. If you feel that you’re not making the progress you want to be in therapy, talk with your therapist! They might be great, but they’re not a mind reader so they don’t know how you feel unless you tell them! Hopefully, your therapist is also doing regular check-ins with you about progress, but be open with your therapist about your thoughts. Bring those notes you made with you and identify areas in which you feel the sessions aren’t working for you. Also share what you expected therapy to be and the work you expected to accomplish by this time. You and your therapist can discuss whether those were realistic expectations and how to adjust them if needed. Your therapist should also address your concerns and explore how you can move forward. If you feel that you can’t move forward (which is okay! It is your therapy, after all!), tell your therapist and ask for referrals to someone who may be a better fit. Here at Cutting Edge, we have a great team with a wide variety of styles and areas of expertise and we know that not everyone is a fit for every client! We want you to feel like the therapy is working for you.

It is totally okay if your therapist isn’t the right fit for you- your therapy is about you! Finding ways to narrow down what doesn’t feel right or what isn’t working for you as well as evaluating your efforts and work in the therapy process may go a long way towards resolving these issues. And, if you come to the decision that your therapist just isn’t the right vibe for you, that is okay! Sometimes it just isn’t a good fit. Talk with your therapist about it so you can work together to find the strategy for moving forward that works best for you!