Communication Styles: How to communicate more clearly

Ally Bremer
Oct 1
4 min read

There are many different ways to communicate to others and some styles of communication are more effective than others! Communication includes things like our tone of voice, body language, and even our willingness to listen. When things are misinterpreted, conflict and arguments can happen. Like any skill, communication can be practiced and honed. In this blog post, I will be describing different types of communication and how to work towards a healthier form of expression.

Passive Communication Style:

A passive communication style is characterized by a quiet tone of voice, inability to stand up for your own personal wants/needs, and an overall tendency to put others first even at the expense of your own wellbeing. People who use this communication style often avoid conflict even if it means silencing how they truly feel in a situation. They may have difficulty being direct and often are unable to articulate exactly what they want. They may think of themselves as the “peace keepers”. However, this may lead to resentment, stress, and lack of confidence. Here are a few examples:

Situation: Your boss asks you to stay late for work even though you have dinner plans.

Response: “Oh okay, that’s fine with me I can stay late if it helps you out.”

Situation: A friend said that they would come to your recital, but they never showed up.

Response: “Uhm, no worries that’s fine. You can always come to the next one.”

Aggressive Communication Style:

An aggressive communication style is the exact opposite of a passive communication style. Someone who speaks aggressively will often yell, not allow others to talk, not take other people’s emotions into consideration, dominate the conversation, be intimidating, and often prioritize their own needs. Their goal is to “win” the conversation, even if it damages the relationship. People who use this form of communication may struggle maintaining healthy relationships with others. Here are some examples:

Situation: Your boss asks you to stay late for work even though you have dinner plans.

Response: “Why would you ask me that! I don’t care if we are short staffed, make someone else do it!”

Situation: A friend said that they would come to your recital, but they never showed up.

Response: “That’s ridiculous! You are the worst friend ever! I can’t believe you did this, we are never talking again!”

Passive Aggressive Communication Style:

You guessed it… this is a combination of both of the styles listed above. Someone who communicated passive-aggressively will often express their anger indirectly instead of openly confronting others. They are still making their wants and needs known, but not as outright as aggressive communicators. A lot of times, passive-aggressive communicators will express their displeasure by using things like sarcasm, back-handed comments, or exasperation. This communication can easily lead to confusion and unresolved conflict. Here is an example:

Situation: Your boss asks you to stay late for work even though you have dinner plans.

Response: “Ugh fine I guess I can do it if no one else can” (sarcastic tone)

Situation: A friend said that they would come to your recital, but they never showed up.

Response: “What had to be soooo important for you to miss this?”

Assertive Communication Style:

Assertive communication is the healthiest and most effective style to aim for. People who communicate assertively know what they want, are able to allow room for compromise, respect other people’s opinions, and are able to establish boundaries. Boundaries are limits that people can set to protect things like our items, time, and wellbeing. When people are talking assertively, they make eye contact and are able to speak calmly, in an even tone, and clearly. Assertive communication can lead to higher levels of confidence, less stress, and stronger relationships. Here is an example:

Situation: Your boss asks you to stay late for work even though you have dinner plans.

Response: “I’m sorry, but I already made dinner plans and I won’t be able to stay late. I can try to finish up my tasks early to help out with extra chores”

Situation: A friend said that they would come to your recital, but they never showed up.

Response: “I felt really hurt when I didn’t see you at my recital. Did something come up?”

How to change your communication style:

1) Notice what your current communication style is.

It is important to understand what your communication style is. Does your communication style change depending on who you are with or where you are? Take a moment or a few days to note how your interactions typically pan out. Do you avoid conflict? Do you get heated during conversations? Or do you make sarcastic comments?

2) Understand your own wants, needs, and values.

Understanding what you want is an important step in communicating and setting boundaries. Take time to reflect on what you want and need in relationships.

3) Use coping skills

Using coping skills can help you to better manage your emotions. If you are feeling overwhelmed with anger or anxiety, taking deep breaths, counting to 10, or even taking a step away before communicating can be greatly beneficial.

4) Practice setting boundaries.

If you know that you have a difficult conversation coming up, it is a great idea to practice with yourself in front of a mirror or with a friend. When you know exactly what you are going to say, it can be easier to say when the time is right. Ultimately, changing your communication style takes practice, mindfulness, and attention to detail. But with effort, it can be done!