How Families Grieve Differently & Why That Can Cause Conflict.

Ally Bremer
7 days ago
5 min read

Grief is a deeply personal journey, and there is a reason they say that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. People grieve differently, even when the loss is shared. Within families, this difference in how people process pain can sometimes create tension, misunderstandings, and emotional distance. One person may want to talk and remember right away, while another may shut down and avoid all reminders that they can. Some people may cry openly, while others throw themselves into work or logistical things. These differences don’t mean that one person is “right” and the other is “wrong” in how they grieve, but sometimes it can feel that way.

It’s important to understand the unique ways grief can manifest in families and that can be helpful to maintaining connection during a time that already feels very pretty fractured. When emotions run high and communication breaks down, even the most well-meaning loved ones can clash. Let’s look at why families grieve so differently, what kinds of conflict can arise, and some tools on how to navigate through those moments with empathy.

Grief is not one-size-fits-all. As mentioned above, everyone processes loss differently. This can be based on personality, attachment styles, past trauma, cultural or religious backgrounds, and even more. People process all emotions differently in general, so something as strong as grief is not going to look the same on everyone, and that is okay. As briefly mentioned above, some common reactions might be crying, shutting down, needing space, seeking connection. Sometimes these differences can seem like rejection or coldness to others, even though that is more often not the case. Recognize that the way you grieve may be different from someone else and that does not necessarily mean anything negative.

Grief can also be influenced based on the roles within the family. Parental versus sibling grief may look incredibly different. A parent who loses a child may grieve in different ways than their other children or partner even. Sometimes there also may be someone defined as the “strong one” or the “rock” of the family. That can sometimes lead to others assuming they aren’t grieving as hard, which may cause tension or misunderstanding. Just because someone is being strong for others does not necessarily mean they aren’t feeling these difficult emotions just as strongly. The person handling the logistics of everything could also feel that way or appear “detached,” when in all actuality they may just be keeping themselves busy to not let their emotions take over. It’s important to understand that everyone has a different role allowing them different ways they may feel they can grief as well.

Grief does not come all at once and doesn’t last a certain amount of time. It comes in waves, and someone may appear “fine” at first and then completely collapse later. Another person might immediately feel and express everything. It’s important not to judge others based on our own grief reactions. Be aware of unexpected triggers as well. Birthdays, anniversaries, or small memories may affect people differently and unexpectedly, which can sometimes lead to conflict if others don’t fully understand or validate the reaction. This can also lead to a misinterpretation of grief behaviors. One person may isolate to help cope, which others can misread as disinterest or even as a lack of love for the person lost. Some family members may lash out or become emotionally volatile, not necessarily because of any one else, but because of the internal pain they are going through.

Sometimes when a loss hits a family, unresolved family dynamics and issues can get amplified. Old wounds can resurface, whether it be resentments, sibling rivalries, or divorce-related tension. Family members may also blame themselves or each other for the death or for how the situation was handled (like medical decisions or end-of-life care), even though most likely completely untrue. It’s important to be aware of your own internal and potentially unresolved feelings towards certain members and issues, and do your own individual work to ensure it does not impact things long-term.

Now that we recognize and are better able to identify some of the differences that may come up surrounding grief and family, it’s important to figure out how to navigate these differences. This requires patience, empathy, and a conscious effort to avoid assumptions. One of the most helpful things you can do is name the differences out loud and without judgement. For example, saying something like, “I know I’ve been needing to talk about dad a lot, and I see you’ve been keeping more to yourself. That’s okay, I just wanted to stay more connected,” opens a door without forcing someone to grieve the way you do.

It’s also important to set gentle boundaries when needed. If someone wants to process everything verbally and you’re emotionally exhausted, it’s okay to say something like, “I do want to support you,but I need a little quiet tonight. Can we talk tomorrow instead?” Small accommodations like this allow space for both people to feel seen and get what they need. It can also help to create shared rituals to help bridge some of those emotional gaps. Some of those may look like lighting a candle together, cooking a loved one’s favorite meal, or visiting a meaningful place, and those can help honor the loss without requiring everyone to process in the exact same way.

For families with children or teens, grief can often look different developmentally. It can be especially helpful and important to give them outlets like drawing, journaling, therapy, etc. to help them express what they might not be able to verbalize. And when communication becomes strained, consider involving a grief counselor or therapist who can help the whole family hold space for one another without slipping into blame, resentment, or isolation. Remember, the goal isn’t to grieve the same, but it’s to stay connected and compassionate while allowing everyone the time and space they deserve to do it in their own process.

When a family experiences loss, it can be easy to assume that grief will draw everyone closer, and sometimes, it does. But, more often, the pain hits each person in unique ways, which can highlight differences instead of togetherness. That does not mean the family is “broken” or that the love is any less valid or real. It may just mean that everyone is grieving with the tools that they individually have, shaped by their personality, history, and inner worlds. Giving each other space to grieve differently, without judgement or pressure, can be one of the greatest gifts you can offer during that time. The more compassion and understanding you extend, the more likely healing can happen among all family members. You may not all grieve the same way, but with intention and care, you can still get through it side by side.