My Spouse Filed For Divorce, but I Want to Save the Marriage

Ally Bremer
May 26
3 min read

Updated: 3 days ago

When the person you love and possibly have built a life with tells you they want a divorce, it can feel like the floor has collapsed beneath you. It’s a moment that can be filled with shock, heartback, and confusion, especially if you still want to save the marriage. While it may seem like the end, there are steps that you can take to approach this painful moment with clarity, care, and hope, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.

First and foremost, pause and take a breath. Your first instinct might be to panic, beg, argue, or try to fix things immediately. But right now, reacting strictly based on emotion can make things worse. Your spouse likely didn’t arrive at this decision overnight or lightly. Give yourself time to absorb the shock and gather your thoughts. It can be helpful to focus on doing what you need to do to stay calm and avoid saying things you may regret or that might push your partner further away.

Whenever you are ready to approach that conversation, ensure that you are listening without defensiveness. This can be incredibly difficult and is something many people do within conflict, but not reacting defensively can be critical. Try to really actively listen to what your spouse is saying. Ask them to explain what led to their decision, and resist any urge you may have to interrupt or defend yourself. Often, part of the reason someone comes to the decision to end a relationship or marriage is because they feel unheard or misunderstood. Showing that you’re willing to listen, even when it’s painful, can be the first step in rebuilding that relationship and trust within it.

Once it’s your turn to respond or express your feelings, make sure that you are reflecting on the problems your spouse brought up honestly. Whether it’s communication issues, unmet emotional needs, infidelity, or a slow drift apart, it is vital to look honestly (and inward) at what’s been happening in the relationship. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything, but it does mean acknowledging the role you may have played and showing that you are willing to make necessary and appropriate changes to help the relationship.

While each person in the relationship has the right to express their wants and needs, it’s important to avoid any pressure tactics. Trying to guilt, shame or emotionally pressure your spouse into staying can backfire and create more damage within the relationship. There might be short-term compliance, but that typically does not lead to genuine change or healing. Instead of pressuring them, demonstrate and actively show them your commitment through consistent, respectful, and loving behavior. Couples counseling can be an incredibly helpful tool during this time, if both partners are willing to try it out. If your spouse is unwilling to attend though, consider going on your own. A therapist can help process your emotions, reflect on relationship dynamics, and figure out the healthiest way forward, whether it be reconciliation or personal growth. Use that time to focus on yourself, and not as a tactic to “win them back,” but because it genuinely matters to you and your well-being. Whether that means individual (or couples) therapy, reading books, working on your communication style, or healing old wounds, growth is powerful and is an attractive quality.

Be patient throughout all of this as change takes time. If your spouse is unsure or confused, they may not make a final decision right away. Use that time to gently show that change is possible and that you are not going to continue to do more of the same because you see that it isn’t working. Be consistent, reliable, and emotionally present and supportive. But with that, be careful not to put your entire life on hold or allow yourself to be strung along indefinitely. There needs to be mutual respect and honest communication about timelines and intentions.

So with that, know when to let go. This is the hardest part, but sometimes, even with all of your effort, your spouse may still decide to move forward with the divorce. If that happens, know that it does not mean that you’ve failed or a failure by any means. It does mean that you loved deeply and tried wholeheartedly. Letting go can be an act of love in itself, both for them and for yourself.

Wanting to save your marriage when your spouse wants a divorce is a deeply painful position to be in. But it can also be seen as an opportunity that can serve you for the rest of your life. Whatever the outcome, your efforts to approach this new season with integrity and compassion can help you become stronger and more resilient. Focus on staying grounded in your values, be kind to yourself, and surround yourself with support. Healing, one way or another, is possible.