How to Recognize and Get Out of an Unhealthy Relationship

Ally Bremer
Jun 5
5 min read

All relationships go through ups and downs, that much is pretty typical, but there is a clear difference between “normal” conflict and a relationship that consistently drains you, undermines your self-worth, and/or causes emotional, mental, or even physical harm. Recognizing an unhealthy or even toxic relationship can be hard, especially when you’re in the middle of it, but spotting the signs is the first step towards getting your own peace and power back.

Here are some potential signs you may be in an unhealthy relationship:

● Constant criticism or belittling

○ Everyone makes mistakes, but if your partner regularly mocks you, insults you, or undermines your confidence (even as “jokes”), that’s no love, but can be used more of an aspect of control at times.

● Walking on eggshells

○ Do you feel like you’re constantly trying to avoid upsetting your partner? If you’re more often than not anxious about their reactions, that may be a sign that you’re in an emotionally unsafe environment.

● Control and isolation

○ Toxic partners often try to control your time, who you see, or how you spend money. They may try to isolate you from friends and family, making you more dependent on them.

● Manipulation and gaslighting

○ Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your reality. If your partner denies things they said or did, twists facts, or makes you feel like you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy,” that can be a form of emotional manipulation. Over time, this can lead you to start doubting your own self and your sanity, having you second guess yourself and relying on them to define what’s “real.”

● Lack of respect for boundaries

○ Healthy relationships respect the word “no.” In a toxic dynamic, your needs and boundaries are often ignored or pushed aside. If you’ve communicated a need or limit and it’s consistently dismissed, that’s not a healthy relationship.

● Unpredictable anger or jealousy

○ Frequent outbursts, rage, or possessive behavior are red flags. These can often signal deeper issues rooted in insecurity, control, and/or emotional instability. If you’re constantly apologizing or calming them down just to keep the peace, that’s not something that you should necessarily have to deal with in a mutually respectful relationship.

Withholding affection or using love as a weapon

○ Love shouldn’t feel conditional. If your partner withdraws affection, intimacy, or attention to punish you or get their way, that’s a form of manipulation, not love.

● You don’t feel like yourself anymore

○ One of the most telling signs can be that you feel lost and less like who you are. You’ve stopped doing things that you love, you maybe don’t recognize your reflection, or you feel numb. If you’re questioning who you are or what you deserve, the relationship could be impacting your sense of self in a negative way.

Now that we’ve looked at some common signs to look for and things to be aware of to recognize that your relationship may not be healthy, let’s talk about some next steps to take.

1. Acknowledge the truth

- Denial can be a powerful force in toxic, unhealthy relationships. You may tell yourself things will get better, or that “it’s not that bad,” but the first step is being honest with yourself. Pay attention to the emotional patterns, not just the isolated incidents. Trust your gut, and if you feel something is wrong, it probably is. You deserve to be happy within your relationship, not living in confusion or fear.

2. Create a support system

- Unhealthy relationships often thrive in isolation. Reconnect with people that you trust, whether that be friends, family, mentors, and/or a therapist. You might feel shame at first or be afraid to talk about what’s happening, but opening up can be just the thing you need. It can be important to choose people who will listen without judgement and help you focus on staying grounded in reality.

3. Educate yourself and document everything

- Documentation can matter, and this is especially important in emotionally or physically abusive situations. Keep a journal (digital or physical) of incidents, behaviors, messages, or threats. If you decide to involve legal or protective services later, this type of record can help.

4. Set clear and firm boundaries

- Once you decide to leave, be as clear and firm as possible. Certain people may try to manipulate you with guilt, promises to change, and/or emotional outbursts, so expect pushback. Remember your reasons for leaving, even writing them down if you have to. Practice saying “no”, or things like, “this is not healthy for me anymore,” without explaining or defending your decision repeatedly.

5. Limit or cut off contact (if needed and safe to do so)

- After leaving, many people are tempted to keep the lines of communication open, whether it be out of guilt, habit, or even hope. But continued contact can sometimes reopen wounds or invite that person back in when we know that isn’t what we truly need or want. If you can’t go “no-contact” for whatever reason, make sure to set up clear, business-like boundaries and stick to them.

6. Seek therapy/professional guidance

- Unhealthy relationships don’t always necessarily just end when you decide to walk away, they can leave scars. Therapy can help you rebuild your self-worth, identify any unhealthy patterns, and create a better future for yourself. Having an unbiased person can help to support you while you navigate through grief, trauma, and/or the fear of being alone. It’s not a weakness to seek help and support.

7. Rebuild your life one step at a time

- Focus on small, meaningful steps to rebuild your life once you have left. Reconnect with your passions, establish a new daily routine, set goals you’ve been wanting to work towards. This is your time to reclaim your voice, your independence, and your joy. With that, it’s important to give yourself permission to feel everything (joy, grief, relief, anger, confusion, etc.), and remember that it is all a part of the healing process. You don’t have to have it all figured out right away, you just have to keep moving forward.

Obviously, not all unhealthy relationships lead to taking these steps. There are plenty of relationships that with healthy communication and even some help from a professional, they can navigate through these negative behaviors and moments and change them for the better. But sometimes, even with all that, there are some relationships that are just not healthy or okay, and it’s important to recognize those.

Toxic and unhealthy relationships often chip away at your self-esteem until you forget what healthy love even feels like. You deserve respect, safety, and a connection that lifts you up, not depletes you. Recognizing the toxicness within your relationship is an act of courage, and choosing to walk away is an act of strength. You are not broken, you are not alone, and you are absolutely worthy of a life filled with genuine love and respect.