How to React When Your Child is Being Aggressive

Dealing with aggressive behaviors at home can be overwhelming, time consuming, and exhausting. It can feel like you are constantly tip-toeing around your child to prevent an “explosion”. Even if you use every strategy in the book, sometimes aggressive behavior still happens. Whether it is hitting, kicking, punching, or throwing things… how you respond can support the de-escalation process and ensure everyone’s safety. In this blog post, I will be giving advice on how to handle aggressive behaviors at home, with special attention being paid to how you can keep yourself and your child safe.

During the aggression:

            Sometimes, your child may not utilize coping skills and may turn to aggressive behaviors to try to express their emotions or to get your attention. It can be incredibly difficult to know what to do in these situations and to know how to act. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1.)   Prioritize Safety:

            Safety is ALWAYS the number one priority. Whether it is safe for the child, siblings, or yourself.

-        If your child is actively harming themselves, step in to block them. Using pillows or couch cushions can be used to make sure that there is a barrier between your child and what they are trying to aggress on.

-        If your child is in an unsafe space (like a kitchen, in public, or maybe even standing on a table) move them to a safer location. You may not be able to convince them to leave, so you may need to gently guide them to a new location. Avoid grabbing your child unless they are in immediate danger (like if they are in a busy street). Instead, place your hand gently on their shoulder to guide them to a new location. This may be difficult if they are trying to aggress on you… but you can use this to your advantage. Often, if you move, the child will move with you.

-        If your child has hurt themselves or is in danger of causing serious harm, call 911. It is important to have trained professionals on site to use de-escalation techniques and offer first aid if necessary.

2.)   Limit attention:

            This can be difficult if your child is yelling at you, pleading with you, or trying to hurt you. However, limiting attention to the behavior can help to reduce its intensity over time. Here are some tips:

-        Avoid showing facial expressions that might reinforce the behavior. If you see your child breaking items or being unsafe, calmly remind them that that is unacceptable, but do not raise your voice. Model calm and regulated communication.

-        Avoid direct eye contact. Children often look at you to make sure that you are watching what they are doing. Keep an eye on them by watching them in your peripheral vision and with quick glances. Try not to make eye contact with them until they are showing you that they are calm and ready to talk.

-        If it is safe to do so, leave the room. Removing yourself and your attention can help to de-escalate the situation. If you do this, it will be important to communicate to your child what is expected of them and how they can get your attention.

3.)   Limit communication:

            As I stated in my previous blog post, when your child is escalated… they have a difficult time listening to complex instructions. Instead, keep conversation to a minimum until they are calm and have utilized coping skills.

-        Use clear instructions. Using “1st_____ then_____” language can help you to communicate expectations to your child in a concise way.

-        Example: “First sit in the chair, then we can talk”.

-        1st then language can also be used to hold a boundary with your child

-        Example: “First put your dishes in the sink, then we can play games”.

-        Do not repeat yourself more than 3 times. This helps you to avoid a power struggle with your child.

4.)   Be patient but stay firm.

            Once you have set the expectation for your child, it is important that you stay firm. Avoid negotiating or giving in, even if the escalation increases. Your child may engage in aggressive behaviors for an extended period of time, which can be exhausting. However, giving in only reinforced the behavior and makes it more likely to happen again. Consistency is key.

Example situation:

Max is an 8 year old child who needs to put his ipad away and start getting ready for bed. Max’s parents gave him many reminder that it was almost time to put the ipad away, and even gave him choices about which pjs he could wear for bedtime and what book they could read. Even with these preventative measures, Max was still extremely upset that he had to put his ipad away.

When told that it was time to put the ipad away, Max became upset to the point where he threw his ipad, started hitting his parents, screaming, and pleading with his parents for more screen time.

Max’s parents set the expectation for max by saying “It is not okay to hit us. First sit down and then we can talk”. Max continued to attempt to punch his parents. Max’s parents used a pillow to block his attempts to hit them and avoided eye contact. Max noticed this, and became angry that he was not getting what he wanted and began trying to throw toys at them. One of Max’s parents calmly went around the room and collected the ipad and other potentially dangerous objects. After this, Max’s parents stated, “First show us that you have a calm body, then we will come back”. His parents left the room. For a while, Max was throwing items at the door to his room. When the banging sounds stopped, Max’s parents checked in on him and saw that he was sitting down and crying, but also taking deep breaths. They praised him for having a calm body and began to attempt to use more coping skills and transition to bed.

Conclusion:

            These tips are just a starting point for handling aggression in the moment. A mental health professional can be helpful in practicing these strategies, gaining more skills, and having visual aids to help in communication. Managing aggression is never easy, but staying consistent, calm, and safe can reduce the number of outbursts over time. You are not alone in this, and support is always available to you!

Written By,

Jordan Adamson, LPC

www.cuttingedge-therapy.com