The Value of Making Mistakes

Mistakes, regression in progress, relapse, moments of weakness, resurgence of negative feelings and habits, maladaptive coping mechanisms, and the unearthing of what we once thought of as resolved. Unwanted happenings can feel like unwelcome guests; reminding us of a time when we were vulnerable, lacked self-control, and did not know any better. We are all trying our best to function optimally within our respective teams, groups, families, and communities. Whether we make a private or public mistake, it is normal to not feel good about it. In this blog post, I will not discuss ways in which we can avoid making mistakes. If there is one experience I can guarantee, it is that we will all make mistakes throughout our lives. Instead, I will describe the function of making mistakes, the dual nature of consequences, and the opportunities that arise from our faults.

Sometimes, making mistakes can feel like a cascade of falling dominoes. The mistakes we make in areas of our lives that we heavily identify with can threaten our ego, the way in which we view ourselves. The instance of one or many missteps may feel like the castle of progress we constructed over weeks, months, even years, can come crashing down in seconds. If the first falling domino is the error itself, the next could represent a loss in our senses of self-confidence and self-efficacy. The surrounding dominoes could represent the destruction of confidence others have in us. Then comes the disillusionment of feelings of safety and security within our jobs and our functional systems. The greater the impact of our mistakes, the more significantly we feel a disturbance in our certainty of the future. The trajectory of what we are striving towards can shift in momentum, magnitude, and direction.

Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychologist, psychoanalyst, and founder of the school of Individual Psychology argues that human beings behave teleologically (Adler, 1982), meaning their patterns of behaviors can be informed by their goals. The momentum and trajectory of those behaviors depend on the clarity of the goal, the presence of other conflicting goals, how deeply one desires their goal, and the belief systems that they have with respect to themselves achieving that goal.

Individual Psychology embraces imperfection through setting realistic expectations (Adler, 1982). Striving for perfection is an attitude that leads to lower self esteem and the development of inferiority complexes, or the mistaken belief that one is less capable than others, or they won’t likely achieve their goals. The pressure of trying to be perfect can make day-to-day tasks much more difficult than they need to be, and the experience of making mistakes can feel catastrophic, introducing feelings of shame, guilt, cognitive dissonance, feelings of unworthiness and doubt in our abilities. Individual Psychology encourages people to develop the courage to be imperfect. If we build a self-concept that sheds light on our flaws instead of denying their existence, our sense of self won't be threatened by each misstep and oversight. If we know ourselves as people who make mistakes, we won't personalize them when they happen. In other words, if we claim to be humans that are capable of making mistakes, then our mistakes won't threaten our self-concept.

Exercise: The courage to make mistakes

● Every single day, identify one mistake, misstep, or action that was not aligned with your goals.

● Write about the mistake in the tone of celebration.

● Find a friend, family member, or trusted confidant to exchange daily messages celebrating your mistakes.

● Avoid self deprecating. Instead, conclude the celebratory experience of making a mistake with a helpful lesson learned through that experience.

If we integrate the courage to be imperfect, we no longer personalize our mistakes. We can talk about our problems without the weight of negative emotions. We can work with the people around us to explore our mistakes, identify root causes, and make adjustments wherever possible. Making mistakes in a team context can actually build deeper working relationships. Troubleshooting connects us to one another, allowing us to share wisdom and be honest with one another. When we create interdependent relationships with the people around us, we increase feelings of belonging. Individual Psychology posits human beings have a deep and primal need to feel as though we belong in our social groups (Adler, 1982). When that need is met, individuals experience a heightened sense of overall wellbeing, feelings of purposefulness, and an increase in cooperative, prosocial behaviors.

Our mistakes can serve as an asset to our overall ability to achieve our goals. The experience of receiving constructive feedback can feel less like being reprimanded and more like a positive and enlightening conversation. Shedding light on flaws can increase the precision of desired outcomes. Discussing our mistakes develops character through learning how to be comfortable with taking accountability of our actions and by empowering ourselves to make changes that lead to better outcomes.

When we consider mistakes as neutral, they are indicators that a problem exists. The problem could stem from inaccurate information or misunderstanding, counterproductive prioritization, or a sign that something deeper is taking place. Sometimes, our subconscious has different goals that contribute to low motivation, loss of excitement and joy, and unconsciously cause us to self-sabotage our conscious goals. For example, we may think we want to be a businessperson who makes a lot of money, but deep down we are neglecting our childhood dream of writing, or becoming an artist. The clash between conscious and subconscious goals will lead to internal distress, deeply seeded cognitive dissonance, exhaustion and burnout. It is important to identify when you or another person continues to struggle in a certain area of life. Mistakes and distress may be messengers sent to steer a person away from what they thought they wanted and towards a greater purpose.

References:

Adler, A. (1982). The Fundamental Views of Individual Psychology. Individual Psychology: The Journal of Adlerian Theory, Research & Practice, 38(1), 3.

Written By,

Rebecca Stamelos, LPC

www.cuttingedge-therapy.com