Attachment Styles & How They Show Up in All Relationships

Ally Bremer
Jul 16
4 min read

We often think of attachment styles as something that only affects romantic relationships, but in reality, your attachment style influences how you relate to and interact with everyone: your partner, friends, family, coworkers, strangers, even yourself. It’s the emotional blueprint that shapes how you connect, seek closeness, handle, conflict, and navigate boundaries. Understanding your attachment style is not about labeling yourself or others, but it’s more about gaining the insight into your emotional habits so that you can form healthier and more secure relationships across the board.

Let’s talk about what attachment styles even are. Attachment styles are patterns of emotional responses that are developed in early life, usually shaped by the way caregivers responded to our needs. These patterns tend to repeat in adulthood, especially when we’re feeling vulnerable or emotionally triggered. The four main attachment styles are:

Secure: You’re comfortable with intimacy and independence. You trust others and can communicate your needs directly.
Anxious/Preoccupied: You fear abandonment, seek constant reassurance, and can become emotionally overwhelmed when things feel uncertain.
Avoidant/Dismissive: You value independence to the point of emotional distance. You may pull away when things get too intimate.
Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized: You crave closeness but fear getting hurt. Relationships feel like a tug-of-war between wanting connection and fearing it.

If you are interested to learn more about attachment theory and the benefits within therapy, you can also check out my blog more focused on that!

Now that we have a little more insight into what the different attachment styles are, let’s take a look at how they show up in a few different types of relationships.

In romantic relationships:

Anxious partners may overanalyze texts, need constant reassurance, or feel triggered by perceived distance.
Avoidant partners may withdraw when things get too close or feel smothered by certain or any emotional needs.
Fearful-avoidant individuals may swing between extremes where they are wanting love but distrusting it at the same time.
Secure partners typically offer consistent emotional support, communicate clearly, and help to create a safe emotional environment.

In friendships:

Anxious styles may feel easily left out or become overly accommodating to stay liked.
Avoidant styles may keep friendships at arm’s length, hesitate to open up, or ghost their friends during tough times.
Secure friends tend to maintain healthy boundaries, handle conflict respectfully, and feel safe expressing their emotions.
At work or in group settings:
Anxious types may worry about being liked or constantly seek validation from authority figures.
Avoidant types may prefer working alone, dislike collaboration, or feel irritated by team closeness.
Secure individuals tend to handle feedback well, set clear expectations, and collaborate without defensiveness.

Those are obviously not the only behaviors that those attachment styles can exhibit but are just a few common examples. Here are a few more things to keep in mind when identifying your own attachment style.

Reflect on your emotional patterns. Do you tend to over-pursue people or shut down when things get intense? What fears come up most often for you in close relationships? Then, think about your triggers. Are you easily activated by silence, conflict, rejection, emotional intensity, or something else? Once you’ve identified some triggers, it’s then easier to look at your specific reactions to closeness and distance. Do you pull away or cling on tighter when things feel uncertain? It’s important to notice repeating cycles and common patterns that show up across different relationships in your life.

If you’ve identified having more of insecure, anxious, or avoidant attachment, that does not inherently mean that you will have that attachment style forever. There are ways to help get to a more secure place within yourself and your relationships. Here are some things to help with that:

It’s important to build self-awareness without shaming yourself. Start by simply observing your patterns with compassion (not judgement). Don’t beat yourself up for needing reassurance or valuing independence. Those behaviors made sense to you at one time, and now they may just be cues for growth.
Communicate your needs clearly. Practice expressing your needs without blame or guilt. Instead of saying something like, “You never care about me,” try something like, “When I don’t hear from you, I start to feel anxious. It helps me feel connected to check in more.”
Focus on reframing your fears. If you’re more anxiously attached, remind yourself that needing connection does not make you “too much.” If you’re more avoidantly attached, remind yourself that needing space doesn’t make you cold, but sharing also doesn’t make you weak. When we reframe our thoughts around these things, it can help to change our feelings and actions regarding them as well.
Practice emotional regulation. It can be helpful to learn the best ways that work for you individually to calm your nervous system when you feel heightened or triggered. Everyone needs something different, and that can include coping skills like deep breathing, journaling, talking to a friend, grounding techniques, or just trying to take a pause before reacting in emotionally charged moments.
Set healthy boundaries. This can be easier said than done, but secure attachment includes saying “yes” and “no” with confidence. Whether it’s asking for alone time or standing up for yourself, boundaries help to protect connections rather than threaten them.
Having secure relationships can help you build stronger, more secure attachment. The best way to shift attachment patterns is through new, consistent, and healthy experiences. If you’re close to someone who is securely attached, whether that be a friend, a mentor, therapist, partner, try to notice how it feels to be around them. These safe connections can help retrain your nervous system to trust intimacy without fear.

As mentioned above, your attachment style isn’t permanent. It’s a starting point, a map of where you’ve been and a guide toward where you want to go. With more awareness, patience, and practice, you can become more emotionally secure and show up differently in every kind of relationship. Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, the goal is healthy, secure connections. Those start with understanding yourself and showing up with honesty, care, and intention.