Managing Co-Parenting When Conflict Occurs

Co-parenting can be one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences after a separation and/or divorce. Even when both parents want what’s best for their children, emotions, old wounds, and communication differences can make collaboration hard, even deciding “what’s best” for the child can look different for both of them. Conflict is almost inevitable, but how you handle it can make all the difference in maintaining a healthy environment for your kids and yourself.

First, an important thing to do is acknowledge that conflict happens. Co-parenting involves two people with different histories, personalities, and parenting styles, and also most likely reasons that they are not parenting together. It’s completely normal for disagreements to surface, whether it be about bedtimes, discipline, introducing new partners, you name it. Pretending conflict doesn’t exist or isn’t going to happen can often lead to more resentment and/or passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, acknowledging that it happens can allow for problem-solving and can help reduce overall tension in the long run. For example, let’s say you and your co-parent disagree about how much screen time your child should have. Rather than insisting you are right, you might say something like, “I see we have different opinions on this. Let’s talk about what feels reasonable for both homes.”

It’s also helpful to keep communication as child-focused as possible. When emotions are running high, it can be easy to slip into old relationship patterns or use conversations to rehash the past. While that can happen because we are all human, that is not necessarily a conversation that is going to lead anywhere productive or keep what’s best for the kid(s) in mind. Try to keep the discussions centered more around the children’s needs rather than the parents’ frustrations. Instead of saying something like, “You never follow through with consequences,” maybe try something like, “I’ve noticed our daughter gets confused when rules are different between homes. Could we talk about a few consistent ones?” That allows the door for conversation instead of feeling like it’s a critique of the other’s parenting.

With that all being said, choose the “right” time and place for difficult conversations. While there really is no real “right” time, avoid trying to resolve issues during drop-offs or when either parent is rushed or emotional. It can be helpful to schedule a specific time to talk, preferably through text or email if in-person conversations tend to escalate. For instance, if there’s some tension about schoolwork, you might text, “Can we schedule a time this weekend to talk about how to better support homework routines and habits?” This gives both of you time to prepare and respond as calmly as possible.

Communication and setting boundaries are important in all relationships, and co-parenting is no exception. Healthy co-parenting often requires some form of structure. Decide generally how and when you’ll communicate, whether that’s through co-parenting apps, emails, or short texts. Being clear about boundaries can help reduce emotional triggers and keep the focus on logistics rather than personal issues or feelings. If texts start to easily turn into arguments, you might agree to only discuss scheduling via a co-parenting app and leave the more emotional topics for mediation sessions or counseling if needed.

While it’s important both parents feel heard, it can also be helpful to pick your battles. Not every disagreement needs to turn into a full-blown conflict. Ask yourself if the issue truly affects your child’s well-being or if it's more about a personal preference. Sometimes, letting go of the small things that are not as important to us can allow for more energy to be spent on the things that really matter. For example, maybe your co-parent lets the kids stay up for 30 minutes later on weekends. If your child is still doing well in school and routines are overall steady at your house, this might be a difference that you can let go of.

Model respect for your children. This one is important and may seem like a no-brainer but can be helpful to keep in mind. Kids watch how you interact with each other, even when you think they’re not paying attention. Speaking respectfully about your co-parent helps them feel safe and loved by both parents. If your child complains something like, “Mom never lets me have any fun,” maybe saying something like, “I know she has rules that may feel strict to you at times, but she’s doing her best to take care of you.” This models empathy instead of blaming the other parent, which would not be beneficial for anyone.

If conflict keeps repeating and communication truly feels impossible, involving a neutral third party, like a therapist, can help. Family therapists. Mediators, or co-parenting coaches can provide tools to help improve communication and reduce tension. When you meet with someone that is outside of the family dynamic, they can help you both understand one another better and create communication plans and shared expectations so you both are on the same page.

Co-parenting is a long-term relationship that needs flexibility, patience, and perspective. Conflict does not mean that you are failing, but try to view it as everyone adjusting to a new normal. The goal is not to eliminate disagreement (as that is not totally possible) but to handle it in ways that help to protect your child’s sense of safety and connection. When both parents commit to respectful communication and shared problem solving, children can learn that love and cooperation can exist even when their parents are no longer together like they’ve once known.

Written By,

Emily Blair, ALMFT

www.cuttingedge-therapy.com