Checking In With Your Teens Without Hovering

Ally Bremer
Nov 19
4 min read

While there are books out there on how to handle certain situations, there really is no step-by-step guidebook to parenting, especially when it comes to teenagers. Everyone is experiencing both the positives and negatives and wondering if they are doing it “right.” It’s kind of a balancing act between giving them freedom and staying connected. As your child grows, the way you communicate has to evolve too because what worked when they were ten won’t necessarily work when they are 16, and it may even push them away. You want to know what’s going on in their life and be involved, but you don’t want to feel like you’re prying or being too overbearing. Finding that middle ground can be one of the hardest things but know that you are not alone.

Teenagers crave independence, but they still need to know their parents care (even if they don’t always act like it). It’s important to think about how you’re checking in with them. When your questions start to sound more like an interrogation, they will probably pull back. But when you lead with more curiosity and it actually feels genuine to them, they’re more likely to open up. Not that these questions are inherently bad, but try to avoid leading with questions like, “What are you doing? Who were you with?” Try something softer like “What was the best part of your weekend?” It leaves them in control of what they want to share while feeling like you actually care to know. These small shifts show that you’re interested in their experiences and them rather than just their behavior.

Sometimes, the best conversations with teens happen indirectly, when you’re not even trying, like when you’re driving somewhere together, cooking dinner, or just sitting around watching tv. Some teens (and anyone really) can feel more comfortable opening up when eye contact isn’t front and center. Quiet companionship can sometimes be that invitation they need. Try not to always fill the silence either, because sometimes that calm presence makes them feel safe enough to share.

When your teen does open up, the most powerful thing you can do is listen without jumping to fix or correct. If they say they’re stressed about school, try responding with something like, “That sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it, or do you just need me to listen?” This gives them control over the conversation and reinforces that you trust them to manage their feelings, with your support when needed. Sometimes all someone needs is an ear to talk to rather than advice on what to do.

With that being said, respecting boundaries is another way to build trust. If your teen tells you that they don’t want to talk about it right now, take that seriously and don’t try to push them. Let them know that you are there for them whenever they are ready. I know that may cause some uncomfortable feelings to take that little step back, especially when you can sense that something is wrong, but putting pressure on them to open up can typically lead to shutting down communication instead of opening it up. When they do come to you later, thank them for sharing. That reinforces that your relationship is a safe place for them all the time.

Checking in with them doesn’t always have to mean heavy or deep conversations. Sometimes connection comes from the funny moments you share, similar interests, or small daily rituals, like watching a show together, grabbing ice cream, or sending funny memes. These little instances communicate care just as much as those deep conversations do. They remind your teen that you like who they are and being around them, not just that you’re responsible for them.

Things are not always going to feel great or super connected. If things feel distant, try not to panic and remind yourself that is normal. It is completely natural for teens to pull away at times as it’s a part of developing that independence, and try to think back to when you were a teen as well and remember times you pulled back from your parents or adults in your life. But even when they pull back, your consistency matters more than proximity. Keep showing up, keep being kind, and keep the door open for whenever they are ready. When they know that you are non-judgmental and still there for them even when they’re not super open to it, they’re more likely to let you back in when it matters most. Trust them and yourself that you gave them the right tools.

Parenting a teenager requires learning to trust the quiet connections as much as the bigger talks. It is about letting go of control in order to help strengthen that trust between you two. When you lead with curiosity rather than assumptions or trying to control them or the situation, you create a relationship full of empathy and one where they feel safe to be more honest and open.