My Therapist Told Me This, and I Didn’t Like It

Therapy can be a deeply healing space, but that does not mean that every moment in session is going to feel comfortable. If you’ve ever been in therapy, there definitely has been a moment where your therapist said something and you were like, “Hmmm, I’m not sure about that.” It’s normal, your therapist may say something that stirs up defensiveness, frustration, or even anger. That discomfort doesn’t automatically mean that comment was wrong or harmful, but it may be pointing to something that is worth exploring. At the same time, your feelings are valid, and therapy should feel collaborative. Just like with friends or family, there are going to be moments where you don’t always agree with what they have to say, whether it’s truthful or not. That is okay. The trick is knowing what to do and how to navigate that when it does happen.

While way easier said than done, first let’s try pausing before reacting. If your therapist says something like, “I think you need to take more responsibility in this situation,” your first instinct might be, “They don’t get me at all.” But before shutting down and instinctively reacting, try to pause and notice what emotions are coming up for you. Sometimes that split second of reflection keeps the conversation productive instead of reactive.

Then ask yourself why it bothers you. Discomfort can be a clue. For example, if your therapist says something like, “It sounds like you’re avoiding this conversation with your partner,” and you feel defensive, ask yourself whether the frustration is because they’re factually wrong or because what they said might actually be true and hard to hear. Part of therapy is being challenged to stretch outside your comfort zone, so it can be important to differentiate between a helpful challenge versus a harmful mismatch. Your therapist may be encouraging you to sit with an uncomfortable emotion, and while that might feel very tough for you in the moment, you ultimately know that it’s supportive. On the other hand, if your therapist says something like, “That doesn’t sound like a big deal,” and it leaves you feeling dismissed, that may be more about a mismatch in style or approach rather than pushing you past your comfort zone.

“I” statements are a common tool brought up for clients to use, but they’re not just meant to be used outside of sessions; also utilizing them in session can be just as important as well. When something feels off, it helps to bring it up directly. Instead of shutting down, you could say, “I felt misunderstood when you said I’m being too hard on myself. Can we explore that a little more?” These kinds of statements help to open the door to clearer communication and help to ensure you are not left feeling unheard or dismissed.

With that being said, sometimes it can help to reflect after sessions because clarity sometimes comes later on. Journaling after therapy can be a great tool to help you unpack what was said. You might write something like, “When my therapist

suggested I reach out to my dad, I felt pressure. I realize I’m not ready yet, and that’s important to bring up.” Reflection outside of sessions can help you return to the next one with some more perspective and understanding of your own feelings.

It can also be beneficial to look for patterns. If you notice that certain topics typically spark the same reaction, it may be important to note that and explore where that is coming from. Maybe when the subject of money comes up, you start feeling instantly angry at your therapist. That pattern might be less about them and more about how money is a deeper trigger in your life.

With all things, it’s helpful to practice curiosity instead of judgement. If your therapist says something blunt like, “You’re repeating the same cycle,” you could respond with, “Can you help me understand what you’re noticing?” Approaching it with curiosity rather than assuming they are criticizing can often lead to a deeper and more productive conversation. And if you’re asked to do something that you’re not ready for, like role-playing a difficult conversation, you can say, “I’m not ready to try that, but I’d like to talk about why it feels hard.” Setting limits does not mean that you’re resisting therapy, but it means that you’re protecting your comfort while still engaging in the process and growing.

Remember that therapy is a collaborative process, and you do actually have a say in how therapy unfolds. If you feel like the focus is too solution oriented, you can say, “I would like to spend less time on problem solving and more time on processing my emotions and feeling heard.” Therapy is not one-sided and should involve a little bit of teamwork. It’s also important during the therapeutic process to trust your instincts. While discomfort is typically a part of growth, if you consistently feel dismissed, unsafe, or invalidated, it’s okay to question if this therapist is a good fit for you. Trusting yourself might mean having a more direct conversation about your concerns or even finding a therapist who feel better supports you.

Not liking something your therapist says doesn’t mean that you’re “failing” therapy or anything like that. It’s a normal reaction in any relationship. Discomfort can help lead to growth, but therapy works best when you bring your reactions, questions, and boundaries into the room. After all, the relationship itself is a part of the healing process, and learning how to navigate that can be just as powerful as the topics you came in to discuss.

Written By,

Emily Blair, ALMFT

www.cuttingedge-therapy.com