Difficult Conversations: Do’s & Don’ts

Ally Bremer
Apr 26
4 min read

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably had times where you’ve wondered how or even if you should share difficult news with your child. Or perhaps you’ve been unsure if your child can handle the news you have to deliver? The fear of hurting our children or causing them pain is real, but shouldn’t stop us from having tough conversations. Pain is a normal and expected part of human life and trying to shield others from pain now may result in more pain later. Every situation and every family is different so individual needs should always be taken into account. Below are my go-to do’s and don’ts for difficult conversations.

Do: Present information in age-appropriate and honest ways. Perhaps someone in the family has received a troublesome medical diagnosis. The amount of information that you share with your child will likely vary depending on if your child is five or fifteen. You will also likely use different language with older kids than with younger ones. The important part is that you are sharing information about things that will impact your kids honestly. There are tons of resources out there to help people have difficult conversations and help frame conversations for kids of various ages.

Don’t: Make promises you can’t keep. Many people have a desire to comfort people and try to make a bad situation better. This is probably even more true for parents who want to protect their kids and keep them from pain. It’s important to be careful with your words when kids ask for certainty regarding how something might turn out. It’s tough to confront the reality that sometimes someone might not be okay or that we can’t always guarantee that a situation will work out for the best. Don’t say “I promise grandma is going to be okay” if that isn’t the reality. Acknowledge that you can’t always promise that things will be okay but that you will do whatever you can to support them.

Do: Give space for emotional reactions and questions. Again, age-appropriate honesty is the best policy. It’s okay to say “I don’t know” or “let me think about how to answer that” so that you can have time to think about what you want to say. But circle back after you consider the options. It’s also okay to be honest that there are some parts of some situations that you may not provide all the details about but that you’re sharing the information they need to know. Let them know it’s okay to cry or be angry or feel any other feeling they have. It’s also okay if they’re angry at you- you can still show them you love them and model conflict resolution.

Don’t: let your own fears, worries, or past stop you from sharing important information with your kids. Ask yourself if you’re avoiding a conversation because the discomfort feels too overwhelming or the thought of making your child worry or cry is too much. Think about how you’d feel if you were in their shoes- would you be upset at your parents if they did/didn’t share that information with you? Would not knowing that information now have a significant impact later? Are you waiting for the “right” time to share news? There’s never a good time to learn bad news and saving someone from hurt now may very well result in more hurt later. By thinking about these things as we determine how and when to share information, we can make a more informed choice.

Do: Normalize difficult conversations and how uncomfortable they can be. Difficult conversations are never fun but normalizing them and the discomfort they cause can help kids learn very important skills. It’s okay to share that it makes you uncomfortable or that you’re worried about how a conversation will go. But, by modeling that you don’t avoid conversations even when they’re hard, your kids will build trust with you and will learn skills to have their own difficult conversations as they go through life.

Having to share difficult news with anyone, let alone kids, is really challenging because we are often also navigating our own feelings related to the situation. It can be tempting to avoid sharing information to avoid making someone feel pain or be upset with us. As we learned in grade school, honesty is always the best policy- with the caveat that we use age-appropriate honesty.

It’s always a good idea to discuss with a spouse, partner, friend, or therapist how to share difficult information and how to present it in age-appropriate ways.

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