Finding Yourself Again After a Divorce or Long-Term Relationship

Ally Bremer
Sep 30
4 min read

The end of a marriage or a long-term relationship is more than just the loss of having a partner, but it’s also the loss of a shared identity, a rhythm you’ve lived inside of for months, years, or even decades. When two lives become so intertwined, it can be natural to lose sight of who you truly are. So when the relationship ends, many people find themselves asking: Who am I now?

It’s completely normal for your identity to feel shaken after a breakup because relationships shape so much of how we see ourselves. You may have defined yourself by the roles you played, whether it was spouse, caregiver, provider, supporter, etc. You may have built daily routines, future plans, or even your sense of worth around being part of a “we” instead of just an “I.” When that foundation changes, it can leave you feeling disoriented, uncertain, and even a little empty. This is what makes us human. Our sense of self is tied to connection, and when a central connection ends, it makes sense that we’d feel uneasy. The good thing is that feeling does not last forever.

Some typical struggles that people have in regards to their identity post-divorce are:

- Feeling lost without the routines and roles that once structured your life.

- Questioning your choices, your value, and/or whether you truly know yourself outside of the relationship.

- Comparing yourself to who you were during the relationship, or to others who seem to “move on” more quickly.

- Experiencing grief not just for the person, but for the version of yourself that existed in that chapter of your life.

Now the question is, how do you begin to find yourself again? Unfortunately, there is not one easy, quick solution to that. But let’s look at some tools and tips that can help you figure out who you are.

- Allow yourself to grieve. You are losing something so you are allowed to grieve that. Rediscovering yourself doesn’t start with rushing forward but more with honoring what you’ve lost. Give yourself time and permission to feel sadness, anger, confusion, all the feelings without judgement. Grief is not a weakness, but it’s a part of letting go.

- Reconnect with what brings you joy. Think back to hobbies, passions, and/or interests that you may have set aside. Did you once love to paint, hike, write, or make music? Revisit those parts of yourself, and they can help remind you that you are more than just your role in the relationship.

- Explore new experiences. Sometimes identity is rebuilt not necessarily by just returning to the old but also by trying some things that are entirely new. Take a

class, travel somewhere unfamiliar, or join a club/group that interests you. New experiences help you see yourself in a fresh new light and also help you figure out some new things you like.

- Redefine your daily routines. Routines help to provide a sense of stability and control. Try to create morning or evening rituals that are just yours, whether that be journaling, exercising, or even just having a mindful cup of coffee or tea. These simple acts send the message that This is my life, and I get to shape it how I want to.

- Lean on your support. Talk to trusted friends, family, and/or a therapist who can help hold space for all the feelings that you’re experiencing. Sharing your struggles can help to lessen the sense of isolation and help remind you that you don’t have to navigate this on your own.

- Be gentle with this process. Rediscovering yourself isn’t something that is going to happen overnight. It’s a gradual unfolding. Some days you’ll feel strong and hopeful, and other days you may feel completely overwhelmed and lost. That ebb and flow, fortunately and unfortunately, is part of healing.

While there are many different coping strategies to help you cope and process through all the feelings that get brought up throughout this process, journaling can be a really powerful tool. It can help to sort through your emotions and rebuild your sense of self. Here are a few prompts to help guide you if you decide to give journaling a try or just some helpful questions to ask yourself and take time to think about:

- What parts of myself did I set aside during the relationship that I’d like to reconnect with now?

- When do I feel most like “me,” and how can I create more space for those moments?

- What do I value most in life right now, and how do I want to live in alignment with those values?

- What new roles, identities, or opportunities excite me as I look ahead at the future?

- How can I show myself compassion on the days that I feel more lost or uncertain?

- What kind of relationship do I want to build with myself moving forward?

Losing a relationship can truly feel like losing yourself, but it also allows for a space to meet yourself again, sometimes in deeper ways than before. You are not only who you were in that partnership, but you are a whole, evolving person with layers that maybe even you haven’t uncovered yet.

As you move through this chapter, try to see it not as starting over, but as continuing your story. You get to choose the next pages, redefine what matters, and discover new parts of your identity. Over time, you may find that the “you” that emerges is stronger, more grounded, and more authentically aligned with who you truly are.