Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce

Ally Bremer
Feb 7
4 min read

Divorce is a challenging and emotional experience for all involved, and it’s particularly difficult for children as it represents a massive shift in a child's life. When parents’ divorce, children may experience a whirlwind of emotions, ranging from sadness and confusion to anger and fear. For younger children, the security and stability of their home life may be disrupted. For older children and adolescents, there may be feelings of betrayal, guilt, or confusion about their parents’ relationship. Each child’s reaction will be unique based on their age, temperament, and how they perceive the situation.

Some of the most common emotional responses children may experience during a divorce include:

Sadness and Grief: Many children mourn the loss of the family structure they knew. They may grieve the idea of their parents not being together, or they may feel a deep sense of loss about their home, school, or lifestyle changing.
Anger: Children often feel angry about the divorce, whether they direct their anger at one or both parents, or even at themselves. They may feel upset about the changes that have occurred and may act out as a way to express this frustration.
Confusion and Anxiety: Divorce can create a lot of uncertainty. Children may not understand why their parents are separating, and they may worry about what the future holds. Some children may fear being abandoned or wonder if they are somehow responsible for the breakup.
Guilt: It’s not uncommon for children to feel guilty about their parents’ divorce. They may irrationally believe that their behavior or something they did caused the split. This guilt can lead to low self-esteem and emotional distress.
Relief: In some cases, children may feel a sense of relief, especially if the home environment was tense, hostile, or full of conflict. In these cases, the change might be seen as a positive shift, even though they are still processing the emotional impacts of the separation.

While each child’s experience is unique, there are several coping strategies that can help children process their emotions and adjust to life after divorce. These strategies involve a mix of emotional expression, support, and stability.

Below are some strategies for how you can help your child cope:

Provide Emotional Validation and Open Communication: One of the most important things parents can do is create an environment where children feel safe expressing their feelings. Divorce often brings up strong emotions, and children need to know that it’s okay to feel upset, confused, or angry. Parents should be open about the situation in an age-appropriate way, providing honest answers to any questions their child might have. Parents should be mindful of not burdening the child with adult issues. Children should know that the divorce is not their fault and that it’s okay to have a range of emotions. Acknowledging their feelings can help children feel heard and understood, which is essential for their emotional health.
Maintain Consistency and Stability: During a divorce, children thrive on consistency. Maintaining a predictable routine, especially when it comes to school, meals, and bedtime, can help children feel a sense of stability. If possible, try to keep their environment as unchanged as possible. This includes keeping them in the same school, maintaining social relationships, and providing continuity with extracurricular activities when possible. If the child is supposed to split time between parents, it’s important to establish clear expectations and routines for each household. This predictability can reduce anxiety and make the transition easier. This stability gives children the reassurance that while their family structure may have changed, the love and care they receive will not.
Encourage Healthy Expression of Emotions: Children need healthy outlets to express their emotions. Bottling up feelings can lead to increased stress and even behavioral issues. Encouraging children to talk about their emotions, draw pictures, write in a journal, or engage in physical activities like running or playing can help them process what they’re feeling.
Promote Connection with Both Parents (When Possible): While it’s not always possible, it’s important for children to maintain a connection with both parents, especially if they are able to do so safely and healthily. Children can feel torn between their parents during a divorce, and they may worry about taking sides. It's important for parents to avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child, as this can cause guilt and confusion. Maintaining strong relationships with both parents can provide children with emotional security. For younger children, regular visits, phone calls, or video chats with the non-custodial parent can help them feel connected. For older children and teens, respecting their need for autonomy while ensuring they maintain relationships with both parents can help them feel supported.
Teach Coping Strategies and Problem-Solving Skills: Divorce can bring about a lot of changes, and teaching children effective coping strategies is essential. These skills can help them manage their emotions in healthy ways. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or progressive muscle relaxation can help children calm down when they feel overwhelmed. Cognitive-behavioral strategies can also be beneficial, such as reframing negative thoughts (e.g., "I feel sad, but it’s okay to feel this way, and I will get through it"). By teaching children how to manage their emotions and navigate the difficulties of divorce, we provide them with lifelong tools to cope with stress and adversity.

Divorce is never easy, and for children, the emotional impact can be profound. However, with the right support, children can learn to cope and adjust to the changes in their lives. Providing a safe, supportive environment where children can express themselves and receive reassurance is crucial. Parents and caregivers play an integral role in helping children navigate this difficult time, and by maintaining consistency, open communication, and providing emotional support, they can make a world of difference.

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