How to Talk About and Ask for Your Needs Without Sounding Needy

Everyone has needs and wants, and most of the time, your specific needs and wants may differ from your partner’s, your friend’s, and lots of other peoples. That is okay. It is not a bad thing to express what you want, but sometimes it can feel bad to ask for certain things or say that you are not getting everything that you need. Although, it is a healthy part of building a good relationship. The biggest challenge with this can be learning how to express those needs in a clear, respectful, and confident way. When done well though, asking for what you need can actually strengthen connection and deepen trust.

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that having needs is normal. It can be helpful to reframe whatever thoughts you might have that asking for what you need is a “bad thing” or that it means you are asking for “too much.” Focus on reevaluating your thoughts, reminding yourself that just because you may be wanting more closeness, support, or time alone that it doesn’t make you “clingy” or “dramatic.” It may just mean that you are self aware enough to recognize what helps you to feel safe, connected, grounded, etc. Everyone has emotional, physical, and relational needs, it’s simply a part of being human, and acknowledging your needs is a healthy form of self-awareness rather than a weakness.

Next, check in with yourself, and ask what do you truly need and what makes you feel like you are not getting it? Whether it be space, support, affection, attention, time, reassurance, whatever it is, it is helpful to be clear about what you are not getting and how you are feeling. Then reflect on why that matters to you. The more you understand your own needs and why they are important, the easier it can be to express your needs and wants to others without the increased risk of defensiveness.

This can be even more helpful with the use of “I” statements. Who doesn’t love “I” statements?! They can help to express our feelings without placing blame on others and help to clearly show your perspective. An example of this looks like, “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk as much during the week. I would love it if we had more check-ins.” Be clear and direct but respectful, and focus on not over-explaining or apologizing. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I know I’m being annoying, but could you maybe…” say something like, “Would you be open to calling once a day during the week?” You are not in the wrong for asking for something.

Avoid blaming or guilt-tripping. As we’ve discussed, needing something is more than okay, but framing it as the other person’s fault is not. It also makes it way harder for the other person to hear or be open to meeting those needs for you if they feel they are being blamed for something. It can be helpful to use curiosity instead of assumptions and avoid turning your request into a criticism. Asking questions to clarify is typically always better than assuming something and risking being wrong. This can look something like, “I’ve been missing our one-on-one time. Can we talk about how we can carve some more time out again?” This can help show that you’re invested in finding a solution instead of just assigning blame.

After expressing your need, this is where it’s important to give space for them to respond. Pause and let them process, you don’t need an answer or response instantaneously and that’s also not always the best time to get one. Sometimes someone’s initial reaction or thought about something can be different than after they take some time to think and process. Mutual conversation means creating room for compromise and connection rather than just controlling what you want. Ask what works for them, listen actively, and look for ways for both people to feel acknowledged and heard.

Remember that expressing your needs takes practice. You might fumble a few times and it may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but that is okay. Like any communication skill, it gets easier the more you do it and practice it. Start small and build from there. Over time, you will become more confident speaking up, and your relationships will likely feel more authentic and secure because of it.

Also remember that being honest about what you need isn’t “needy.” Let’s try to view it as brave instead, because it takes courage to be vulnerable, especially in a world that often makes you feel bad for asking for “too much” or tells us to “play it cool.” When you learn to speak up for yourself with clarity and kindness, you not only honor your own emotional well-being but you also give others permission to do the same, which builds healthy and secure relationships.

Written By,

Emily Blair, ALMFT

www.cuttingedge-therapy.com