It is normal for intimacy to fade over time within a relationship, and that can happen for a variety of reasons. While it isn’t abnormal, intimacy is an important part of the relationship that should still be prioritized. It can be important to identify when that is happening, so that you can make the appropriate changes to rekindle both the emotional and physical connection within your relationship.
The decrease in intimacy, like mentioned, happens for a number of reasons and is not something to fully blame one person for. It can be tied to changes in life circumstances, personal growth, and evolving relationship dynamics. Let’s identify some other common factors that contribute to the decrease in intimacy.
As life gets busier, with careers, children, and other responsibilities, it can be hard to prioritize one another. Stress from these responsibilities often leaves little energy for quality time or intimacy. There also can be some “routine fatigue.” Over time, routines can make life predictable,which has lots of benefits, but they can also make relationships feel mundane at times. When life feels like an endless checklist, it’s easy to stop focusing on romance and connection.
Emotional distance and a lack of communication can also contribute to less intimacy over time. If partners do not openly communicate about frustrations or emotional needs, resentment can build up. Emotional distance often leads to physical distance, as it’s hard to feel close when there’s unspoken tension or when we don’t feel emotionally connected. Intimacy also thrives on vulnerability. When couples stop sharing their deeper thoughts, fears, and dreams, they lose some of the closeness that made the relationship special. Along with a lack of communication, unresolved and increased conflicts also impacts intimacy. Unresolved arguments or recurring issues can sometimes lead to hurt feelings and frustrations. Without resolution, it’s common for one or both partners to feel detached and guarded. Trust issues, whether due to past experiences or situations within the relationship, can create barriers to emotional closeness. Intimacy requires a sense of security, and when trust is low, it can hinder open affection.
Most of the time, these things are not intentionally done, but there can be a neglect of physical affection within the relationship. Many people feel physically and mentally drained by the end of the day, which can reduce the frequency of affection and intimacy. Over time, this lack of touch can create a physical and emotional distance. Sometimes, couples unintentionally slip into routines where physical affection becomes rare. When this pattern persists, it can become the norm, making it harder to revive the habit of regular closeness. Sometimes the relationship has also been going on for a while that you get to a point where you’re taking each other for granted. In long-term relationships, people sometimes stop acknowledging the special qualities in their partner. When partners stop expressing appreciation or doing kind gestures, it can be easy for the relationship to feel more transactional and less loving. Some couples also may assume that once they’re committed or married, they no longer need to nurture romance. Without continued effort, the relationship can start to feel stagnant.
There also may be a decline in sexual chemistry or desire over the years; that is not abnormal. Aging, medical conditions, hormonal changes, lifestyle factors, these all can reduce sexual drive or change how each partner experiences intimacy. Familiarity is also comforting, but it can also decrease sexual excitement. Many couples find that they lose the “spark” if intimacy becomes too predictable over time.
While intimacy can fade, it can often be reignited with commitment, communication, and small, intentional actions. Recognizing what may have contributed to the loss of intimacy is a powerful first step to reconnecting and rebuilding that sense of closeness.
Let’s remind each other of the spark that brought you together in the first place. Here are some ideas and strategies to help bring back that closeness that you both may be missing:
Prioritize Quality Time Together: schedule date nights, even if they are at home; regular date nights can recreate that “new love” excitement. Whether it’s a fancy dinner or a casual game night, the point is to be fully present with each other. It also can be beneficial to designate time when you’re both away from screens and distractions to focus solely on each other, even if not on a date. Try new experiences together; that can help bring positive energy into your relationship and help create lasting memories.
Communicate Openly and Positively: talking about what you both want in terms of intimacy, romance, and connection can clear up misunderstandings and help both of you feel fulfilled. Use positive language when communicating. Instead of only focusing on problems, try highlighting what you love and appreciate about each other. Acknowledging each other’s good qualities can create a more affectionate environment. Also, make an effort to listen actively and empathetically to one another, showing that you’re truly interested in your partner’s feelings and experiences.
Show Physical Affection Beyond the Bedroom: hold hands, hug, or give a quick kiss as a way of showing affection and reminding each other of your physical connection. Sometimes, simple gestures like leaning in when you talk, maintaining eye contact, or giving a warm smile can reignite the sense of closeness between you two.
Be Spontaneous: surprise each other. Little gestures like a love note, a surprise lunch, or even breakfast in bed can help to keep the romance alive. Also, doing small acts of kindness for one another. Offer to help with a chore or do something nice just because you know your partner will appreciate it. This can create a loving atmosphere and make you both feel cared for.
Focus on Self-Care and Personal Growth: taking care of yourself - physically, emotionally, and mentally - can help you bring a refreshed, more assured version of yourself into the relationship. Also, share your personal goals and passions. As you both grow individually, sharing these experiences can create new levels of intimacy and admiration for each other.
Be Vulnerable with Each Other: sharing personal thoughts, fears, and dreams can build trust and help to create a safe space where both of you feel understood and valued. Practice gratitude with one another. Regularly telling each other what you’re grateful for about each other and the relationship can help boost emotional intimacy.
Reignite Physical Intimacy Mindfully: take it slow. If it’s been a while since you’ve been physically close, take small steps, like cuddling or giving each other massages, to ease into things. Make sure to explore each others’ preferences. People’s needs and preferences can change over time, so asking what your partner enjoys can create a more fulfilling experience for both of you. New experiences, even small changes, can also add a layer of excitement.
Laugh and Have Fun Together: try and bring humor into daily life. Laughter can relieve stress and create a lighthearted, joyful connection. Try watching a funny movie or sharing silly jokes. Doing playful activities, like board games or going to an amusement park, can bring out the fun and carefree side of your relationship.
Just as we need to tend to plants, relationships also require care to thrive. Over time, if couples stop investing in small romantic gestures, meaningful conversations, or positive shared experiences, intimacy can diminish. Reigniting intimacy takes time and patience, but even small efforts can start to bring you closer.
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Written By,
Emily Blair, ALMFT
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