It is tough being a parent and watching your child go through a tough time. You feel what they feel at your core. You want to protect them, to shield them from people or situations that make them feel bad. You want to make them happy, take away their stress or pain, and provide comfort. It is hard witnessing the losses, the self-doubt, the moments of anxiety and the teasing and/or exclusion that usually accompany childhood experiences. But that’s just it…a childhood experience.
I would argue that the tough moments bring the most awareness to our inner strength. The inner strength that we all need to continue to navigate life’s abundance of ups and downs. Think about a tough moment or circumstance in your life. What did you learn about yourself, your values, your boundaries, the people around you, or the world due to that experience?
Tough moments teach our kids to be resilient, to persevere, to self-reflect, and to pivot. It teaches us important lessons that shape how we see ourselves and how we move through obstacles in the future. So how do we want to help shape our children?
If we swoop in and “fix” the issue for them, aren’t we reinforcing a lack of belief in their capabilities that they already likely feel in themselves? Aren’t we unconsciously saying that they cannot handle it, that they won’t be able to successfully make a plan or that they should avoid it and/or have someone else solve the problem for them?
Don’t get me wrong. I think kids need to be taught skills. I think kids need to be coached and supported. I think we have a responsibility as parents to help our kids formulate a positive, healthy self-concept by realizing that what we say and how we say it becomes part of their inner voice that will be there throughout their lifetime.
So if we are not supposed to “fix it” and we can’t always “just make them happy” what are we supposed to do when we see our child is struggling? It’s simple….show L.O.V.E.
Listen. Listen to how they describe their thoughts and feelings regarding the situation leading to distress. Listen for how their ways of thinking may be unintentionally increasing the presence of negative feelings. Listen for any warning signs that may need further attention in order to protect their emotional well being and safety.
At first, just listen. Let them speak freely and fully. Show you are listening with your eyes and body. Show you are listening by giving them your undivided attention. Continue checking in regularly and listen for any changes in regards to their feelings or thoughts.
Opportunities. Remember challenges are opportunities. Look for opportunities to ask questions to seek more information to further understand the situation. Look for opportunities to ask questions to help them think through how they may have already tried to “handle it” and their thoughts and feelings about those attempts. Look for opportunities to solidify what their expectations and goals are by asking questions to help them self reflect.
Some ways to help spark the conversation further are….
“ I am curious…”
“Can you say more about that?”
“What I think I hear you saying is"
“What are you hoping for?”
"What have you tried so far?”
“What has helped even a little?”
“Is there anything this situation is making you realize or think differently about?”
“What do you need from me? What do you need from others?”
Most importantly, build them up and look for opportunities to point out your child’s strengths and past successes in similar situations. Look for opportunities to communicate your confidence in them.
Validate. Validate your child’s feelings. Validate the struggle that feels very real in front of them. Validate their power and influence over their choices, their life. Validate the control they may have to improve their feelings or circumstances, even slightly. Validate by expressing empathy for what they are going through.
Validate that they CAN and WILL get through this and although you can’t fix it, you are there and will continue to be there to provide a nonjudgmental zone, to encourage them to keep taking steps forward and to support any setbacks that may occur.
Explore. Explore options that are in front of them and the pros and cons of each. What is important is that you don’t do this exercise for them. Ask questions to help coach them to think about what is in their control versus what isn’t, what the benefit and potential consequences of various response patterns are and what plan they may have if their choice does not lead to an outcome they were hoping for. Explore how to “cope ahead” when possibly faced with that same stressor the next day.
Explore alternative ways of thinking about the situation. Explore whether they are possibly making any assumptions or victim to a cognitive distortion such as mind reading, catastrophizing, fortune telling, perfectionism, or overgeneralizing. Explore ways to challenge the inner critic that sometimes lives in all of us when faced with stress.
Explore protective factors to their mental health. Explore coping skills. Explore positive outlets to alleviate stress.
Explore resources if help is needed from professionals such as a doctor, therapist, teacher, etc. In conclusion, take the pressure off to solve it all. Put the pressure on to show L.O.V.E. Practicing L.O.V.E. helps instill the most confidence in our kids. This confidence will be a priceless asset in their life for years to come.
At Cutting Edge Counseling of the North Shore, we're proud to offer our services to clients in Northbrook and the surrounding communities, including Glenview, Deerfield, Highland Park, Wheeling, Northfield, Glencoe, Winnetka, Buffalo Grove, Riverwoods, Lincolnshire, Prospect Heights, Vernon Hills, Mount Prospect, Arlington Heights, and Des Plaines. Our commitment is to provide personalized and effective therapy to help you achieve your goals.
Sincerely,
Janet Radziszewski, LCSW
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