Understanding Your Partner’s Feelings Even When You Don’t Always Feel Understood

Ally Bremer
Aug 7
4 min read

In any relationship, there are moments when empathy can feel one-sided. You may be trying to listen, support, and understand your partner, while quietly aching because you don’t feel like they are doing the same for you. This imbalance can stir up feelings of frustration, loneliness, and even resentment. You might think, “Why am I working so hard to understand them when they don’t seem to try to understand me?” It’s a valid question and an exhausting place to feel like you’re sitting in. There are ways, though, to stay connected, protect your emotional energy, and find a way to express yourself without shutting down. Let’s talk through some of those ways to better understand your partner’s feelings without losing yourself in the process.

First, start with curiosity rather than comparison. It can be easy to keep score when we are hurting. You may catch yourself thinking, “I always ask how they feel, but they never ask about me.” This reaction is understandable, but it can also keep you stuck in resentment. Instead of comparing emotional labor, try shifting towards curiosity. Ask yourself, “What may be happening under the surface for them right now?” or “Are they struggling to express their emotions or even understand them themselves?” This shift doesn’t excuse a lack of effort, but it helps to open the door for connection rather than conflict.

It can also be helpful to remember that empathy doesn’t mean you 100% are in agreement. You can seek to understand your partner’s feelings without agreeing with everything they say or do. Empathy simply means trying to see the world through their eyes. Instead of saying something like, “That’s not true,” or “You’re overreacting,” maybe try something like, “I can see why that upset you,” or “That makes sense, given how you interpreted that.” This can help your partner feel more emotionally safe, and it models the kind of understanding you may be craving yourself.

While the goal here is to help better understand your partner, it’s important to do this while honoring your own emotions as well. Understanding them does not mean ignoring yourself. In fact, it’s essential to acknowledge your own feelings, especially when they feel unseen. An example of how to express this to your partner can look like, “I really want to show up for you and understand what you’re going through. At the same time, I’ve been feeling a little unheard lately, and I’d love to share what’s going on for me too.” This approach communicates both care and self-respect. It’s not an either/or situation, it can be both.

When we feel unacknowledged or like our partner isn’t trying to understand our feelings, while sometimes that is the case, it can also be a good reminder to look at their capacity, not just their intentions. Sometimes, people want to understand us, but they don’t necessarily know how. They may have grown up in environments where emotions weren’t safe or modeled in healthy ways. Or they may simply have a different emotional language than you do. Ask yourself, do they shut down when you express feelings? Are they uncomfortable with vulnerability? Do they assume fixing something is the same as listening? If so to any of these, the issue might not be a lack of care but more a lack of tools. That’s something that can grow and change over time, especially with open communication.

Remember that one of the worst times to talk about feeling misunderstood is in the middle of a misunderstanding. Use moments of calm to talk about the pattern. An example of this is: “I know we both have different ways of processing emotions. I’m trying to better understand yours, and it would mean a lot to me if we could work on that together. I sometimes feel like I’m trying really hard to meet you where you are, and I’m not sure you always see that. Can we talk about how we can better meet in the middle?” This kind of communication invites mutual growth and a way for you to act as a team instead of placing blame or feeling like it’s you two against one another.

Notice what you need and what you might be giving away. If you are constantly putting yourself last emotionally, it’s worth asking yourself: Am I hoping my empathy will eventually be returned? Am I afraid to ask for what I need directly? Do I feel guilty expressing my own feelings? It’s okay to want emotional reciprocity, and it’s okay to say, “I love understanding you, but I need to feel understood too.” Relationships thrive not just on giving, but on being able to receive care and empathy as well.

With that, make sure to practice self-compassion when the balance feels off. It can be deeply painful to feel like the emotional weight is falling on your shoulder. If that’s where you are, be gentle with yourself. Feeling misunderstood doesn’t mean you’re too sensitive or asking for too much. Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is turn toward yourself with the same understanding you offer your partner: “Of course I’m hurting. Of course I need to feel seen. That makes sense.” And from that place, decide what you need next, with honesty, clarity, and care.

Being the one who tries to understand while not feeling understood can feel like standing in a room alone, calling out for some sort of connection. It’s hard, and it’s emotionally draining. But remember this: understanding someone else does not mean abandoning yourself. It means showing up with empathy while staying grounded in your own worth. Over time, with communication, patience, and mutual effort, the emotional balance can shift. And if it doesn’t and you find that your needs are continuously dismissed, then it’s okay to ask yourself what you deserve in a relationship. Empathy should go both ways. You are worthy of being seen, heard, and supported in all your relationships.